Life with Littlejo

granny sitting

2012-01-28T07:37:00.000-08:00

A very good friend of mine went out of town this weekend and I agreed to go stay with her elderly gramma. Included in the deal was 4 very cute little dogs. If you know me, you will know this is a great combination for me as I love elderly people and dogs! So I go up there to get the details of how and what to do while I am living it up there. she explains that the dogs have their own room in the garage and I should let them out to do their business and wait a few hrs then go help them back to bed for the night. So after she left, i let the little guys out to run around and take a dump in the yard and after several hrs of sitting on the couch teaching granny to knit, i decided it was best that I put the babies to bed. So out I go to call up the boys. They all came running to me like I was covered in steak or something and I petted and played with them then got 3 of them right in their little beds ready for the night. The other one, bear, wasnt quite ready for bed. He was more ready to play" lets see how many times this fool will chase me around the car" So off we went, around and around and around. Now I aint no spring chicken and this little feller has 4 legs to my 2. After about 20 minutes of "she'll be coming around the crysler when she comes" I dropped like a fly. Bear is standing behind the car, peaking around at me like " what happend? I aint tired! Get up and lets work some of that fat off you!!!". I sat there, panting for breath and he finally felt sorry for me. Over he came, crawlded up on the steps and laid his sweet little head in my lap rolling those big brown eyes up me so sweetly and I GRABBED HIS ASS! He looked at me as if I had just tricked him into talking a bath! In the room he went with the other little guys who were already down for the nite.
I am going back tonite to stay again. wonder if my pitiful look will work one more time?

The Christmas Box

2011-12-18T16:03:00.000-08:00

When our daughter was in the about the 4th grade,each child in her class wrote to 10 different men in service. Joanna was thrilled to receive their replies in the mail even tho a big part of them ask if her mommie was married. There was one very special man named A J who wrote her back and they wrote to each other for many yrs.She send him pics of her herself, her puppy and a ton of other stuff.. While he was stationed in Japan, he sent her a huge box of goodies from Japan at christmas! She was thrilled to receive it and we began to dig into all the goodies. There was cookies, little cakes,lots of chocolate and chips and such. All the packages were wrote in japanese which also thrilled Joanna. She saved all the wrappers in a big book and showed them proudly to all her friends.
Several days after we had finished eating all the goodies, a letter from A J arrived. Joanna excitely sat down and begin to read the letter to me. She was reading aloud when all the sudden she stopped reading, looked at me with a funny look on her face and her lower lip began to quiver. I asked her what was wrong but she just handed me the letter.
A.J was telling us in the letter that he had sent her a big box of all the goodies that they had in Japan that we dont have here in the states. He described all the items in the box and the very last thing he wrote was " And I sure hope you puppy enjoys the dog treats I included just for him" We had EATEN the freaking dog treats!!!! Everything was written in japaneese and we didnt have a clue that some of it was dog treats!!!!! The letter was suppose to arrive before the box but thanks to the U S mail service, we ate the freaking dog treats!!!!!!!
Am still scratching myself and I have to restrain myself from chasing squirrels but other than that, I really dont think it effected us at all.

The Christmas Card

2011-12-06T15:42:00.000-08:00

I have a good friend that I will call Ninwad to prevent her from beating me to a pulp. This friend has played many tricks on me over the years like digging up flowers in my front yard and not telling me. I find out something is missing while riding the mower and hit a hole that didnt used to be there. Anyways, I was looking at the store one day for a cheap frame for a picture I had and found one that had a picture of a man, woman and three kids. It looked like a real picture too! So That planted a seed in my mind, what little I have left of one anyways. So I bought it and came home and took the picture in it out and made out a christmas card to Ninwad. Inside I wrote her a little update on how their lives have changed since they had seen her last. I named them John and Marsha and the kids I named Biff, Lacy and Lucy. I filled her in on how Biff was in Harvard now and the twins, Lacy and Lucy missed her cakes and they were both cheerleaders at boarding school now and that John had sold his business and they were traveling around the world now and enjoying life. I signed it John and Marsha and send it on its merry way to her house.
I knew it would take several days to reach her and the day finally arrived that I thought it would be delivered. And it was.. The phone rang and it was Ninwad. Shes telling me she got a christmas card in the mail from someone that she didnt have a clue who it was and was gonna bring it up to my house for me to see it and see if I knew who they were. Boy was I thrilled to death that she was on the way with it. She lives right below me so I knew I had to be ready for her when she got here. It wasnt long till the door opened and she came barreling in like someone had lit the fuse on her tampon. She handed me the card and said " I dont have a clue who these people are!!!!" I looked at the card and opened it and started reading and said" John and Marsha!!!! How in the world are they??? Its been forever since I seen or heard from them!!! Ninwad is standing there with a bumfuzzled look on her face saying " whos John and Marsha??? My wonderful hubby comes in about this time and he knew I had send her the card and he chimes right in with me. He says" Hows that boy of theirs? wasnt his name Biff? I replied " Hes in Harvard!!! And the twins are at boarding school. Ninwad is still saying " whos John and Marsha??? I proceed to read the card to my hubby and we discuss John selling his business and they traveling around the worlds. Meanwhile Ninwad is as frustrated as a ten peckered billy goat. Finally she SCREAMS " WHO THE HELL IS JOHN AND MARSHA!!!!!!!! That was it. We couldnt hold it any longer. My hubby and I both die laughing and Ninwad finally figures out what we had done to her and back out the door she went, cussing us every step.. Its christmas time again and once again I am looking for frame with a nice picture in it to seen Nimwad an update on John and Marshas travels.
One of these days she is gonna kill me.

Cletus P Dawg

2011-11-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

Many of you know that I am a huge animal lover. I love animals more than alot of people and I feel sure you know who you are! Anyways. My hubby rescued a Jack Russell mix that was tied to a tree and the owner never returned. SO. Cletus P Dawg moved in with us and immediately took over ownership from the cat Junior.Cletus turned out to be smarter than me and booboo put together!
Anyways, Cletus loves cheese of any kind. So today, I made me and Cletus and Junior a minner cheese sandwich.( for you folks that aint from the south, thats a pimento cheese
sandwich) I laid the minner cheese on thick and toasted it just like cletus and Junior love. I cut it into 4 pieces and carried it down the hall to the pc so I could enjoy my shared lunch and ck my email. Right after the first bite, Cletus took off up the hall barking in his " whos banging on the door" bark. So I went up the hall to see who was here and didnt find anyone at the front door so I went to the side door. Nope, no one there either. I then noticed that Cletus was not with me nor was he barking. I went back down the hall where I had made the bad choice of leaving a nice fat minner cheese sandwich unattended and found Cletus sitting right up in the middle of the bed, happily eating a half of sandwich!!! The freaking dog had tricked me into thinking someone was here so he could swipe a half of sandwich!!!
And people say animals are stupid. I believe cletus is smarter than the average bear and most of the locals around here!

911 operator

2011-01-28T15:53:00.000-08:00

I was driving down the road today when I came around a curve and almost ran over what appeared to be half of a horse.Now I will admit I have ran into some pretty weird things while driving but this was totally gross! The head, front legs and back to the end of the rib cage was just lying there in the middle of the road.I managed to dodge it and the on coming car and regain control of my stomach and the car.After leaving the clients home I was going to , I had to go back the same way and I was really dreading it. I was also thanking the good lord for putting so many people at the local hot dog stand that I didnt stop on the way up.
As I went back around this curve, there it still laid. I couldnt stand it any longer. I picked up my cell and called 911.
The call went like this:

911 Dispatch: 911. Do you need police, fire or ems?
Me: Mame, I am not sure what I need. I am driving down the road and I just came across the front half of a horse, lying in the road.
911 Dispatch: Is the animal alive?
Me: I sure as hell hope not since I just told you it was just half of a horse!
911 Dispatch: And how did this animal get in the road?
Me: Damned if I know since it aint in the mood to talk!
911 Dispatch: We will send some on out to check on it.
Me: Ok. thanks.
I wanted to ask this person just what grade she graduated from! For Christ sakes! I TOLD her it was HALF A HORSE and she asked me if it was alive!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear, I am beginning to think the only thing you have to do to be a 911 operator is be able to pick up the freaking phone!!!!

The garden hose

2010-08-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

So. my hubby was going to mow the grass a few weeks ago and I reminded him to roll up the hose cause it would be hard to see in the grass and he would run over it.I have told him to roll it back up when he is finished with it and he never listens. My hubby has a severe case of wife deafness and didnt roll up the hose. And just like I figured, over it he went and chopped the hose in pieces. Being the good wife I am, I picked at him about it for about a week then went and bought a new hose.
Fast forward till a day I was off from work and was going to mow some so he wouldnt have so much to mow when he got home. ( our yard keeps increasing in size , I swear it does!!!!!!) anyways, I pile my fat self on the mower and am happily running around the yard in the earnhardt gear the hubby has told me to never mow in and then I heard it.. CHOMPCHOMP... I look back , wondering if that was the neighbor I just ran over and see little peices of the garden hose.I had watered flowers the nite before and I hadnt rolled up the hose. Well, I knew there was NO WAY I could tell him what I had done cause I had picked at him about it for so long when he did it do I jumped in the car and run over to the closest hardware store and got a new hose. Was sooooo proud of myself that I had gotten away with it. Till I got home.
We had used the other hose for a few weeks ( before I made it into straws) and it was all dirty and stuff and the new hose damn near glowed it was so clean!!!so I drug it up and down the driveway in the dirt about 10 times and then pulled it through the grass some so it would look like it had been used alot. I Knew I had it knocked then. He would never know I had done the same stupid thing he had. Was sooo pleased at my self for being so smart!!!!
The next day, he is going to water the flowers and off across the yard he goes , dragging the hose with him. I am standing in the window watching him and thinking all along just how smart I really am ,,,,, UNTIL,, He ran outa hose way before he ran outa flowerbed. . He couldnt get to the other end of the flower bed with the hose like he had 2 days ago.. I watch him out the window, pulling on the hose so hard that I thought he was gonna drag the house up the hill by the hose.. He came back to see if it was snagged on something.I couldnt figure out what was wrong.. Then it hit me! We had had a 30 foot hose in the beginning and me, in my rush to get the replacement hose, had bought a 15 footer.... So.... I go out the door, dreading what I had to do. He is standing there with the hose in his hand, looking back at where its connected to the house and you can tell by the look on his face, he has no clue what is going on. I tried to tell him that I had heard on the radio that if you left a garden hose lying in the sun, it would shrink.. He didnt fall for that one.. So I told him the little drizzle of rain we had the nite before caused it to draw up.. Nope, didnt work. All at once, he looked at me and I swear I saw a light bulb go off in his head. " you did it to didnt you. come on fess up, you ran it over too didnt you" what could I say. I just dropped my head and turned and crawled back into the house..

ZUMBA! The dance exercise that is sweeping the nation!

2010-07-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

And is leaving ALot of tired, sweating and hurting bodies in its wake!!!!!!
So a very very good friend ( or she was till she talked me into this class with her) wanted to go to a zumba class and I agreed to go with her.. SO ... After working all day ( 1st mistake) I piled into betty lou and away I went. Looking forward to this "easy" dance exercise that would make me look like I did in high school.Before the class was over, I had decided I really didnt look that great n high school and booboo loves me just as I am! I arrive to find my "used to be " friend standing waiting for me with a big grin on her face. I later found out why she was grinning so big! She KNEW it was my first time there and she KNEW I was going to look like a flounder outa water, flopping all over the gym while just about everyone else looked like a synergize line dance.. Not to mention most of them didnt look like they even NEEDED to exercise..
So we get inside and get lined up, in front of a fan, way to the side so I can kinda hide behind others.. Half ways thought the class, the teachers decide to swap sides and I was all the sudden on the front row! Great entertainment for the people who KNOW what they are doing.
The teachers were wonderful at this dance exercise.. Made it look very very easy. NOT!
At least not for someone who has 2 left feet and my arms and legs move like a puppets. If my rt arm is doing something,, my rt foot thinks it should too. This is NOT how zumba works!!! So the teachers show us what we are gonna do and then turn on the music.. Everyone in the room begins to move together in a group dance, but me. I am bouncing around , trying to figure out which leg goes first. My buddy, who said she had been to a few other classes, was doing great! I was doing my best to not trample on her.. As they go on through this dance, I am doing all I can to at least look like I was dancing and not dying from lack of o2 which I have decided I WILL take with me the next time I go,IF I can go again. I dont know if I will be able to walk by the time the next class is 3 days from now.. So the teachers tell us in this dance, we will be turning to the right, the left and all the way around. So why did I always end up facing everyone else?? CAUSE MY BRAIN FORGOT WHICH WAY WAS RIGHT AND WHICH WAS LEFT!!!!!!!!!!! I think it was from lack of o2!!!!!!!!!!For 45 minutes, I tried to follow this pattern of dance the everyone else had the directions to EXCEPT me and I failed horribly. The one thing I did get from this was I finally remembered which knee I had surgery on 30+ yrs go. It decided to remind me LOUDLY after about 10 minutes of this. This class lasts 45 minutes and along about 20 min into it, I think i began to turn blue from lack of air.. After it was over, I crawled back out to the car with my so called friend with her talking about how much fun she had and and she couldnt wait till the next class. I was just wanting to breath normal again. I got into the car, basically laid down and turned the a.c on wide open. Finally, I was able to drive off. slowly at first then my eyes stopped burning from all the sweat that was running into them and I could see where I was driving. I had to stop at the local grocery and as I dragged myself into the front door, what was the first thing I saw? A HUGE display of cheerwine krispy cream donuts!!!!!!!!! The slobber started and formed a huge puddle in the floor at my feet. Man! I LOVE CHEERWINE AND I LOVE KRISPY KREAM DONUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just one of these wonderful sinfully ddelicious donuts would KILL every bit of sweat I had just worked up and then some!!!!!!!!!!! I circled this display about 4 times, talking to the good Jo on the right shoulder telling me that I didnt really NEED these donuts and the bad Jo on the left shoulder telling me I had worked really hard for the last 45 min and I Deserved
this as a reward. Finally one of the employees came with a mop to mop up the drool and I HAD to move on. I really wanted to open just one box and lick a donut but I was taught better than this and besides, you never know where they have them hidden cameras at anymore.
So I went on and got my big old bottle of ben gay and checked out. Crawled back to the car and came on home to stand in a hot shower until we ran outa hot water..
Guess My buddy is Still my buddy, even though she tried to kill me tonite. And I will be going back to the next class if I can walk by then. After all, those other ladies in the class need someone to laugh at.

The old vw

2009-09-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

I had a great volkswagon for a long time. It was a v.w GTI and that baby would fly!!! Five speed, dents and dings in the doors, leaky sun roof, radio changed channels when you crossed the rail road tracks and the horn blowed when you turned left. Yep, great little car. Had a muffler that was more holes than muffler. My neighbors knew when I went to work in the a.m. Lots of them used me as a alarm clock.No need for blasting clocks or radios to wake them up, just the windows shaking in their frames. Anyways, I drove my little vw for work all the time. Great on gas and like I said , she would FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I pulled up at the local burger king one day to get me a soda and while I was sitting at the drive up window, the car first made a weird whistling noise, then just shut down. Yep,she said I'M Done right there at the drive up window. So I tried to start her back up,she said NO loudly.. So I tried again and then I heard another whistling noise and smoke began coming outa the a/c vents. Well, I got a little upset, hell no, I panicked!!!!!!!!!!! Cars on fire, Wont move, door wont open cause remember I am at the freaking drive up window at the burger joint!!! So about the time the guy at the window opened it to give me my drink, I said " Move over!!! I am coming in for it" and basically dived right thought the drive in window. Landed on my head in the floor on the other side. The guy working at the window looked at me like I was a total loone!!!!! He didnt bother to offer a hand to the short fat lady who just dived head first through his drive up window. I really think he was a window diver virgin ( and me too!!!) But what would YOU do if you thought your car was on fire and the door wouldnt open? Call 911?? ask for a fire exstingusher ??Doubt it!
Anyways, I crawled up outa the floor, got my drink from the window guy and kindly thanked him. crawled over the counter and walked out the door. My car, still sitting there at the drive up window in what turned out to be a cloud of STEAM not smoke. So I rounded me up a few good old boys and we managed to push my v.w outa the way and over to the side for my handy dandy fixer to come get it.He knew this car really well,since it stayed with him quite a bit. ( v.w's are like some harleys,... Broke alot)
I never went back to that burger king, never paid for the soda I stopped to get and now that I think about it, I think they are closed. I wonder what ever happened to the bumpy faced teen ager who happened to be working the window that day. reckon anyone ever believed his story???

Pet Smart

2009-04-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

Being the great pet owner that I am , I went to pet smart to get Junior some of his favorite cat food. Junior is very spoiled and will not eat just anythingso I get his special food at pet smart. So I go in and get the food and get in line to check out. If you have ever been in this store, you will know that EVERYBODY brings their pets in here with them. So I am standing there watching the parade of dogs go by as they enter the store and this little skinny gal came in with this HUGE white dog with the prettiest blue eyes I have ever saw. So as she goes by, I asked her if her dog was friendly. I HAD to touch this dog cause he looked like a white cloud with feets. She said yes and as I reached out to put this mountain of cotton, she began to tell me that he was very horny as their neighbors dog was in heat. Before she got the whole sentence out, This MOUNTAIN of a dog stood up on his back legs, put his front paws on my shoulders and laid his head back and began humping the air between us! Now, I am only 4'10 and this dog was ALOT taller than me and a whole lot stronger and than me. I was doing everything in my power to stay upright cause I was afraid of what would happen if he DID succeed in knocking me down.In the mean time, this big ass dog has laid his head back, tongue is hanging out , his eyes were rolled back in his head and he was flat going at it.There was probably 15 people laughing so hard they were crying, the lady who owned the dog was trying with all her might to pull him back off of me and he was head over heals in love and wasnt about to let go of me. Finally 2 men came over and got him off me as they were laughing and I went on to ck out. Well, I always knew I attracted dogs but this was a bit much even for me! But I bet the folks at petsmart will remember me IF I ever go back in there again! ( maybe Junior is gonna learn to eat something I can get at Food Lion!)

Napkin Coasters

2009-04-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

Our wonderful daughter who is 23 lives in asheville and attends college there. She is home for Easter break and yesterday morning I was leaving to go to town and I went in to tell her bye before I left. I noticed these weird looking things on her table. They were various smiles cut out of cardboard and glued to chop sticks. she had taken the time to color them really nice. Some looked like real big lips, some looked like vampire lips and various weird looking lips. I picked them up and tried them on by holding them up in front of my own mouth and they were really cute. so I leaned over and kissed the kiddo bye and said " Hey Joanna, these are cute. you should take them with you and stuffin ( she is joannas best friend and we refer to her as the rental kid cause she is here so much) go to the photo booth at the mall. Our wonderful daughter who is in college sat up in the bed and looked right at me and said" Mom. Those are napkin coasters!" I said "WHat???? she said again. Those are napkin coasters!!!! I replied" what the hell is a napkin coaster?? She said " MOM! ( in her best you are sooooo stupid mother voice) you put them on the table to keep the napkins clean!!! Then she laid right back down and went right back to sleep. So I left the napkin coasters laying on the table and left for town, wondering still what the hell a napkin coaster was. When I got back, she was getting up and I walked in to her room and picked up her napkin coasters and told her " I love these napkin coasters! They are sooo cute! She looked at me like I had a horn between my eyes with flashing lights! She said " what the hell is a napkin coaster? I said thats what you told me they were when I asked earlier. She swears she didnt say anything to me about napkin coasters and was laughing her head off at how stupid her mom is. Yea, I guess napkin coasters does sound pretty stupid but hey! She is the one with the college education. Not me!

Me and Poo.

2009-02-23T17:56:00.000-08:00

So, my sister and me decided to take a 5 day trip with a local tour group to the amish country! I was thrilled as I am a huge amish fan. So the day before we are to leave, My sister, who we call MISS GRACE for a reason, falls down the steps and breaks her foot. They wont give her the money she paid back and we are to cheap to let them just keep it ,so away we went. My sister and I are TOTALLY different in many ways with the main one being she is like 5'6 and I am like 4'10. So she gets the walking cast on and matching crutches and we light out for penn. The bus was full of other folks who was as thrilled as I was to get to see the amish people and actually visit a amish home. The first evening we stop to eat at a buffet bar. Poo ( my sisters nickname is poo thanks to my daughter, poo's only neice) was trilled and informed me of what she wanted on her plate after I hauled her to the table and parked her. I get in the line and get her a nice plate of food,salad and all that crap and take it to her. She starts to eat and I get back in line to get my food. By the time I get to the table, poo has finished round one and is ready for round 2. SO I go back and get in the line and get her seconds of everything she liked from the firsts. Take it to her and sit down and start to eat my now cold food. By the time I finish it,poo is ready for desserts. SO I go get me and her both some piles of sweet stuff and sit down to eat. Poo has to pee. She cant do this on her own even though she was like 40 at the time. so off we go to the bathroom. Its had enough to haul poo around when there is lots of room but put 2 adults in a stall in a bathroom and try to balance someone who is wayyyy taller than you ar while they yank down their pants!!!! Not a easy task! I began to think about poo wearing amish dresses about this time and why does she need to wear underwear?? Finally the paper work is done and out we go to eat our desserts. Everyone else on the bus has finished and was ready to go so we scarffed down our desserts and I hauled poo to the bus. Now this is a real trick. Getting someone with a cast and cruches on a bus! Basically I got behind and shoved and prayed someone on the other side caught miss grace ( aka Poo) before she fell and broke something else. The first nite at the hotel was very interesting. I haul poo in and pile her down on the bed and she wants to take a bath. Yea right. I suggested me hanging her over the edge of the pool by her legs and dipping her three or four times but she bucked on that deal so I turned the tub water on and hauled poo to the tub and held her cast leg while she basically fell in to the tubwith her casted leg hanging over the side. I decided it was to much work for me to take a bath that nite and I would shower in the am. So I put on my gown and robe and poo decided it was a good time for me to go to the drink machine. So I looked out the door both ways and no one was in the hall so since the coast was clear, off I went in my gown and robe to get a drink. The drink machine kept my money!!!!! I tried, very lady like, to knock hell outa it to get my drink or my money back and of course it wouldnt budge. SO I went to the front desk to ask for my money back.There stood three business men in three peice suits checking in. I waited for a few minutes for the desk clerk to see me( how could he miss me since I was wearing a bright orange bathrobe) and when he did I informed him that the drink machine had kept my money. He, being from penn and me being from nc,it was apparent that there was some problem with commuication. He said " excuse me ?? I again said the drink machine kept my money. And he again said "excues me?" So, for some reason i guess i thought he was going deaf so I yelled " The damn DRINK MACHINE KEPT MY MONEY!!!!!" By this time, the 3 business men was almost rolling in the floor laughing. The desk clerk replied" The soda machine is out of order??" I replied " That's what the hell I said!!!!" He gave me my money and off I went to find another machine. Behind me was the three men in business suits laughing and begging me to talk to them and to say DAWG... Seems notherners love to her southerns say dog ( DAWG) . They followed me to the second drink machine and then back to the room , begging me to say all kinds of crap. They were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. I get to the door and open it and poo, who is still stuck in the tub waiting for me the haul her out, hears these men laughng and is about to have a fit!I guess she thinks I have brought them back to get her outa the tub. I tell them to go away , that the fun is over and they kept begging me to say things for them so I told them that if they didnt leave me alone that bubba was out in the truck and would open up a big can of whoop ass on them. I shut the door and left them laughing in the hall. Meanwhile, poo has turned into a prune from sitting in the tub for 20 -30 min.
I haul poo outa the tub and park her in the bed. The whole trip was hauling poo in somewhere, hauling poo outa somewhere and feeding poo.Poo gained weight and I lost weight and one side got shorter than the other cause she hung on it ALOT. We had a ball!!!!!!!!!!!
This was the best trip me and poo has been on yet but we aitn dead yet either.

Whats that smell??

2009-02-07T12:13:00.001-08:00

Some deal friends of our are surveyers. They survey the land before you buy it to make sure it is correct. Anyways, the work our in the woods alot here and its been a most unusually cold winter here.They have went to work when it was 8 outside. They have these nice carthart suits that you step in and zip up. They are very very warm and have nice hoods on them that tie tight around your face to keep the cold air out. So they were waaaaayyyy our in the woods, surveying off some land for a client when one of them starting feeling the urge. He thought he could hold it until they returned but as time went on, the urge got bad. REALLLLLLLLLY BAD..... So he told his partners that he was going to take a little trip into the woods.They knew what he was talking about since they had all been in his place before and didnt think much about it. They kept right on working and let him go on. After awhile, he returned and continued to work with them. After a few hrs, it was lunch time. They always brought their lunch with them and sat in the truck with the heat on to get warm while they ate. They had all forgotten about their friends little trip to the woods by this time. Anyways, as the story was told, they were all stuffed into the front of the truck, heat blasting, raido playing and they were eating their lunch. After the truck started to get warm, one of them said" hey, I smell shit. Did you step in what you dumped? The dumper guy looked at his boots and said no he didnt but he smelled it too. They all begain to look at the bottom of their boots and no one had it on them. The contiuned to eat and the smell got worse.The 'dumper" was sitting in the middle and they narrowed the stink down to him. After a few minutes, they figured it our and they bailed outa the truck leaving "dumper" sitting there.Seems when dumper went to dump, he had unzipped his carhart jump suit thing and dropped it to the ground and did his business. He didnt relize that he had dumped his load in the hood of his jumpsuit. After finishing up his business, he pulled up his jumpsuit, zipped it back up and pulled the hood back up on his head and tied it really tight around his face to keep the cold our out. not relizing what he dumped was in his hood and now smashed flat on top of his head. it being as cold as it was, the smell didnt hit him until he was nice and comfy warm, between his working buddies, in the front of the truck with the heat blasting, where else, right on dumper.
We have laughed at this story so many times and he has earned the nickname stinky now.

The Peter Heater.

2008-12-15T18:38:00.000-08:00

When I was a teenager, there was a new house built below us. The new neighbors was a man and his wife and their 3 kids. The man was flat out beautiful! He was tall, built like a tank , shiney black hair and big dark eyes. He always had a beautiful tan and liked to mow the grass in nice tight cut off jeans. We liked it too! As soon as we heard the mower start up over at his place, out on the deck we went. Just to watch. There we stood, slobbering like saint barnards , watching this piece of fine work mow the grass. Our families, much to my delight, became close friends. I babysat the kids ( good reason to drool over their dad) and we exchanged Christmas gifts each year. Mom always send me over there( like she had to MAKE me go over there) with their gifts. There was one Christmas I will never forget. Mom told me to take their gifts over to them and about 2 hrs later, I was on my way. I had to look JUST RIGHT before going over and when you are a teenager, it takes a long time to look JUST RIGHT, if ever! Anyways, i was finally on my way, praying all along that he was home and not gone to work.. Luck was with me! He was there, watching a ball game. So everyone came into the den to open their gifts and I was talking to the kids all the while sneaking glances at the Hunk of a man that was sitting there opening gifts. All the sudden I heard this loud laughing. It was the hunk, laughing so hard he was crying. I walked over to see what was soooo funny and my mother had crocheted him this cute little thing for christmas. It had 2 little bags and then a long skinny part and a string with pompoms on the ends. I had no clue what it was and why it was so funny until he handed me the poem that went with it. I stood there, looking at it , trying to figure out what the heck this thing was when I glanced down at the poem.The title of the poem was '" ode to the peter heater" Dear God!!!!!!!!!! My crazy mother had crocheted this hunk of a man a PETER HEATER!!!!!!!!! I could have died. I think I probably ran into the sliding glass doors about 3 times before one of the kids opened the door so I could get out. I ran all the way home and into my room and slammed the door. I could hear my mom laughing down the hall. It took me about 3 months to be able to look this hunk in the face again with out turning red.
That was about 30 yrs ago and a few yrs ago, the hunks mom died and I went to the funeral home to see them. Hadnt seen them since my dad died and mom moved. that was in 1984. Anyways, I went though the family receiving line and he was at the end. Just as beautiful as before. After telling him how sorry I was about his mom, he put his arm around me and said guess what? I said what? and he said " I still have the peter heater your mom made me and it still fits" Lord, I wanted to crawl under the casket. he stood there smiling and I again, turned as red as a fire truck.
But at least he did find something to smile about on that very sad day, even if it was at my expense.

Mrs Cora

2008-08-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

Mrs Cora was a little old lady who lived near us when I was growing up. She was a little different, no , she was ALOT different. Her and her husband Cole was good friends of the family.They came by our house one nite while we were eating supper. Mom, dad , my sister and I was all sitting around the table finishing up eating when they came in the back door. Mrs Cora had a paper bag with the top rolled down on it and she came right into the kitchen where we were sitting at the table and planted that bag in the middle of the table and announced that she had made dad a cake. My sister and I both began telling her we were full from supper and began leaving the table. As I looked around, Mrs Cora had stuck her hand in the bag and grabbed out a half a cake, frosting and all and plopped it down in the middle of the table. This cake wasnt wrapped in anything, just dumped in the bag. She picked the cake up and broke off a big hunk and threw it in dads plate. My sister and I was watching from around the corner. She offered our mom a piece of cake and mom told her she was full and was trying to cut back on sweets. Dad was sitting there, staring at the big hunk of cake she had dumped in his plate and said " Here, I will give you half of my piece" He picked up his cake and broke it in two and dumped it on moms plate. Me and my sister watched as mom planted the toe of her shoe in the shin of dads leg under the table. Mrs Cora stood at the end of the table and stared at mom and dad until they had ate the cake. Me and my sister was about to wet our pants watching from around the corner. It was great. Watching dad chew that cake, you would have thought he had a mouth full of lard!!!!!!
Mrs Cora was a wonderful little old lady but she just wasnt wrapped to good. About as good as the cake was.

The redneck wedding

2008-08-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

Some redneck friends of ours decided that after living together for 9 yrs and having 2 kids, they would finally get married. They were on a very tight budget and decided that the front yard of the trailer they were renting was a great place to have the wedding. So they called up all their friends and told them they were getting married and to bring a covered dish for the reception afterwards. These folks are great folks and we love them dearly but they are truly REDNECKS.So the wedding day arrived and we went a little early to help set up the chairs, mater crates and drink boxes for the guess to sit on. They had a nice piece of indoor/outdoor carpet that they pulled up off the front porch and put down for the isle for the bride to walk down. Now keep in mind, they were on a tight budget so they got lots of family to help with the wedding. The brides little brother who was around 13 at the time was in charge of the music. The guess arrived and took their seats on the mater crates and such and listened to hank williams jr blasting from the one of the uncles trucks that was parked out front with the doors open. This was the only source of a cd player so this is what they were using for the music. The groom finally came down the isle and took his place up front with the preacher who was also a good friend of theirs. His other job was riding on the back of a trash truck during the week. The little brother, being new to this dis jocky stuff started playing the music the thought was for the bride to come down and take her place with the groom and the trash collector/preacher. But the poor kid didnt have a clue what to play. You know, there is 2 wedding songs. The one where the bride comes in and the one where the bride goes out. Well, little floyd got them mixed up a bit and the bride came in to the going song and left to the coming in song. No one seemed to notice much as most of the guest had been taking part in the pre wedding drinking fest.The bride looked so pretty as she walked down the carpet carrying one of their kids in her arms. As the trash collector/preacher was going through his spill, 3 chickens came walking down the isle and one went between the bride and groom. This the guest noticed . No way you could have not heard the giggles from the very happy guest. They chickens moved on around picking at the ground and very close to come guest feets. After the trash collector/preacher prononuced them man and wife and they kissed, everyone began cheering. They went back into their trailer and changed into their reception clothing, Tee shirts and cut off jeans. They were just afixing to cut their flat sheet wedding cake when we noticed that there was 2 dogs happily bumping uglies right behind the bride and groom. It was hard for me not to laugh when I heard a kid behind me yelling" Look mommie, those two dogs are stuck together"!!! The reception was great since everyone brought a covered dish and they had plenty to eat and drink. The kids had kool aid and the adults had every kind of beer there is sitting in a empty ( thank god) JOHN full of ice. no need for a kooler when you have a old john sitting around just waiting to be filled with ice and beer! They had a great time and so did we. I can promise you this is the first and last wedding like this I have ever been to but it sure was lots more fun than the regular old boring weddings I have been to since this one. They are still happily married, 10 yrs later and still right where they were when they got married.

The dildo

2008-08-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have a very dear friend who is quite a bit older than I am. She is very very shy and naive . She married when she was 14 and stayed married until he died recently. A few yrs ago, I heard about a huge yard sale that was going to happen close to our home.All the contents of the home was to be sold cause the man had died and lady was placed in a nursing home and the grandson was selling everything to provide for her stay at the home.I called up my friend who loves yard sales and of course she wanted to go so off we went. The grandson had taken everything outa the house and sat it on tables in the yard. The dressers were sat out there with the drawers open and the chest of drawers also. There was lots of tables with stuff on them also. I was walking around looking at stuff and got seperated from my friend. I found a set of false teeth and was looking for her to ask her if she thought they would fit her and I spotted her. waaaay at the other end of the table. She had a viberator in her hand, looking quizzly at it. turning it over, then she found the control on the bottom that turned it on. Then she found out it was a three speed and made this loud whinning noise!It sounded like a outboard motor run aground! People was looking at her and walking away sniggerling. I began making my way toward her when she cranked the viberater wide open and began rubbing it up and down her neck and across her shoulers. Now this thing was not just any vibeorator, it had attachments with it and had a nice little velvet carrying case. She was having a grand old time rubbing her neck and shoulders and didnt even notice that everyone had left the sell except us! The man having the sell went into the house and shut the door. After all, this was his GRANDPARENTS stuff and I bet he didnt have a clue they had this upgraded dildo with attachments at their house! I have seen these for sale on various websites and these big boys dont come cheap either.Anyways, as she was getting lost in wonderful shoulder rubs, i began yelling at her to put that thing down. She looked at me all glassy eyes and said " lookie here what I found! This cute little gizmo with these little things that hook on it somehow. and see... it has a little 3 speed motor too!!!! And it comes with a velvet box to keep from loosing the little things!!!" I again told her to put that thing down and get in the car but she was to busy showing me how the little motor worked. I grabbed her hand and yelled" GET IN THE DAMN CAR!!!!!!!!!" She looked like I had slapped her. She put the dildo back in the little velvet case and went to the car, muddering to herself all the way. As I got in the car, she said" well, I never. I dont know whats wrong with you but if this is how you are gonna act all day long just turn this buggy around and take me right back home." I said do you have any idea what that was you were playing with? She said" some little thing with a little motor and some other stuff. why? I said it was a freaking viberator!!!! and she said" whats that!!!!!!!!!!!" Good lord, I could have died. tell me now, how you would go about explaining viberating dildo to a 65 yr old woman??? So after much stammering and studdering, I finally got her to understand what it was for and she said' WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND YOU LET ME RUB MY NECK WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH DEAR LORD!!!!!!!! TELL ME YOUR ARE LYING. PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE LYING!!!!" I told her no, i was telling her the truth and she started telling me very loudly to stop at the grocery store we were getting close to. So I stopped and she pratically ran from the car to the store.. Didnt say a word to me, just opened the door and flew into the store. I waited and waited for her to come back out and here she came, carrying a big roll of paper towels and a bottle of rubbing alochol and proceeded to take a bath with it. I was laughing so hard my sides were hurting. we went on to a few more yard sales and as we were coming back past this sale, i said I wold like to stop and see if anyone bought the false teeth. Before I got the whole statement out, I lost feeling in my rt arm. My dear sweet friend had grabbed my arm so tight she had cut the circulation off . She looked like someone possessed . She said " DO AND DIE!!!!!" I drove right on past the false teeth. Never did find out if they sold. But I did find a nice big bruise on my arm the next day. wonder where that came from!

big bird

2008-08-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

I love my job but sometimes working out in the field( I go from house to house taking care of clients for the health agency I work for) , you can run into some strange things.
I pulled up at a clients house one day , got outa my car, and heard this really weird noise. It sounded like a duck being strangled. I looked around and all I saw was their roll out trash can. They live in town where you can get garbage pickup, not out in the boonies where we live and there aint such a thing. The garbage company provides them with a HUGE trash can on wheels. Its about shoulder high on me . Not saying alot for me but that is a pretty tall trash can. anyways, i started toward the house and I saw what looked like a big bird head sticking up over the trash can. I stopped and looked again and it was!!! The biggest bird I have ever seen was standing on the other side of the trash can looking over the top of it at me!!!!Time to run!!!!!!!!!!! and boy did my little stubbs of legs haul my fat butt right up the steps and straight into the house. Forget knocking, I had to get in before that bird did!!! I came barrelling into the clients home and she was sitting in her bed in the den looking at me like I had totally lost it. ( for those who really know me in real life, bet you think that too) anyways, She is bedbound and cant get outa the bed and was thinking I was on something as I was telling her there was a four foot bird beside her trash can. Bless her heart, she ask me how long I had been out in the heat and then started holding up fingers for me to count. I tried my every loving best to convince her that big bird was in her front yard. She just kept patting me telling me that I would be ok once I cooled off some. I swear I think she was trying to sneak and call 911 to come get the crazy woman outa her house. I heard a noise in the other room and relized her son was home. So I go grab him( he was in his drawers as usual. I have seen her son in his undies more than I have seen my own hubby in his!) and dragged him out the front door.I KNOW that his mom was trying to call 911 now cause she thought that this crazy woman was taking her son! * note* Her son is no little feller. hes 30 yrs old and is 6'3 and weighs around 270. She just knew that this nut who came running into her home , blabbering about big bird had taken her baby. I drag mr cool in his drawers out the front door and said "LOOK!!!!" pointing at the trash can. He looks at the trash can and says" yep. its a trash can. we have garbage pick up in the city" The freaking bird wasnt there!!!!!!! I looked around the small yard and didnt see it no where. I tried to tell him about big bird and he kept telling me big bird came on tv on sunday morning! Then it moved.... It was sitting down beside the trash can and we couldnt see it before cause of a bush. It stood up and started walking, waltzing, or whatever big bird does away from us.Mr cool bout messed his nice little tighty whiteies!!! He grabbed my arm and yelled " GET IN THE HOUSE LITTLEJO, THAT *&*%$ BIRD IS GONNA CARRY YOUR &^% OFF!!!!!!)We both tried to get in the front door at the same time ( me and mr cool, not the bird) .. but we wouldnt fit. he finally pretty much shoved me in the door and he slammed the front door shut and leaned on it. I dont think the bird was actually coming after me but I didnt hang around to see. He opened the door a little bit and peaked out after a few minutes and it was gone.
I took care of his mom who now believed that big bird was in her front yard and her home health staff hadnt been around the way snorting a line with some of the junkies up the hill. I got ready to leave and was really dreading it. I called mr cool to come go with me to the car and he refused!!!He said he would stand on the porch and watch and if the bird got me, he would shoot it down before it got to high up with me. That really made me feel alot better. ( yea right)
I eased out the front door and looked around. No bird... I tiptoed down the steps, no bird, I got almost to my car and noticed the folks sitting on their porch a few houses up from my clients. On the top of their house was big bird!!!! I pointed up for them to go out in their yard and look up and they finally did and I swear grannie lady looked like roadrunner heading for the door. She mowed down grandpa and kept right on going like he wasnt there, staggering behind her trying to get in the door. I looked back at my clients home to see if my body guard was still watching out for me and he was no where to been seen. Front door shut tight and I bet the bolt lock was on too!!! I wondered if he was inside moving the couch in front of the door!!
I ran on to my car and got in and left. We have never seen big bird since and believe me I look for him every time I pull up there!

dumpster diving

2008-08-01T18:26:00.000-07:00

Our daughter moved out into her very first apartment. She is splitting the rent with 3 other people ( three guys) They each have their own bedroom and there is also 2 bathrooms. when she moved into her room, there was a huge pool table in the living room. we decided to move it over some so we could bring in her stuff and as me and her boyfriend picked it up, 3 of the legs fell off. there we stood , holding up a pool table, waiting for her dad to come back in from the truck and put the legs back on it. great piece of furniture hun. anyways. this pool table belonged to one of her roomies and he moved out and guess what he forgot to take! you got it, that high dollar pool table. so he moved out yesterday and when joanna came home from work and found out he had moved, she rounded up her buddies and they hauled the pool table out to the dumpster. as they were coming back, the saw some folks hauling a couch out to the dump. they waited a little bit and went out and checked out the couch since she ddidnt have one yet. found out it was a pretty nice couch and has a sleeper bed with it. so they loaded it up and hauled it back to her apartment.! Now she has a nice couch , a dinningroom table,a rotten recliner that belongs to one of her roomies who wont give it up and a weird looking chair and ottoman. Starting to take shape thanks to dumpster diving. She has always been like this. when she was 2, she went with her dad to the dump and as he was tossing stuff in, she saw a metal doll house. she asked her dad ( her favoite saying at the time)WHATS THAT? pointing at the doll house. her dad told her it was a big doll house and she replied" MINE" so he dug it outa the dumpster, brought it home and cleaned it up and she had many many wonderful times playing with that dumpster doll house. so it dont surprise me she found her couch at the dumpster! thats my girl!!!

The beverly hillbillies does the bahamas

2008-07-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

I had been thinking about a way to show my booboo just what he really means to me. He is the best hubby ever and has done without things that he wanted to provide for our daughter and me. So I decided I was surprise him with a 10 day cruise. I had to come up with a way to pay for this without him knowing what I was doing. If I charged it, he would know, outa the savings, yep he would know. write a check! he would know. So I decided to sell on ebay. And boy did I sell. The cat wasnt even safe! ( Good thing they wont let you sell live animals. Believe me, i checked. lol) So I started paying for the cruise on jan 8th and we were to leave aug. 30th. Plenty of time. So I sold everything I could. I thought about working a little on the side on one of of the local street conors but there was a few things that stopped me. One, they good ones were all taken, Two, Who wants to pay to sleep with a fat old woman? So back to selling stuff outa the house and what I could find at yard sells and such. Hit it big by selling plants outa the yard!!!Booboo was digging up the yard every weekend and didnt have a clue why! lol
anyways, as the time gets closer, I get afraid of what he is gonna do. I almost told him a few times but our daughter talked me outa it. EVEYONE knew but booboo!!!!! Even the guys he worked with knew . so the day before we were to leave, I had a dear friend at work ( thanks again Carol!!!) call and tell him we had won tickets to a boat show in charlotte. The guys he works with said he was complaining that he had to go to some" damn old boat show" and wasnt gonna get to go fishing on his day off. They said they were blowing snot bubbles every time he complained about it. So I bought him all new shorts and such and packed the suit cases and put them in the trunk of our car while he was at work the day before we were to leave. That nite, I finally got to sleep and then I dreamed we got to the ship and he said "I aint getting on no boat that I cant fish off of" and walked off and left me standing there. I was wide awake at 3 am , sitting on the couch , watching reruns of I LOVE LUCY. booboo came in and asked me why I wasnt in bed and I told him I just couldnt sleep. the truth be told, I was a basket case! I needed a fifth of burbon and a hand full of valium!!! Finally 6 am came and booboo got up. I was already dressed and ready to hit the road. We left home around 7 am and I told him we needed to stop at the local tour place to pick up a catalog for my sister. ( that was really who we were traveling with) So we started down the road and stopped at hardees to get a biscuit. As we went on down the road, my hands were shaking so bad, i was shaking my biscuit apart! I gave him a nice long letter about how much I love him when were were about 8 miles away from the tour place. It was a full page of mush then the second page was a note about the trip we were going on. My poor booboo reads slower than I thought. I was getting reallly close and he hadnt finished the first page. I was driving so slow, it looked like a funeral prosession behind us. He was still reading the front page when I pulled into the parking lot at the tour agency. I told him he really needed to get outa the car. He decided he was gonna wait for me to get the catalog. Everyone else was on the bus waiting for us to get on to go. I finally begged him to get outa the car and go with me to get the catalog. So he finalllllly agreed and gets out and starts waking toward the building, still reading the first page of the letter!!!! I am struggling to get the suit cases outa the trunk and the carry ons and lugging them toward the bus as he walks along ahead of me reading that first page!!!!!!!
I get to the bus and poor booboo has went into the office and sat down reading page one still. The driver loads the stuff on the bus and I go after booboo. I get him and start outa the door and I tell him to get on the bus. he looks at me like I am crazy! I said we are going on a short trip . GET ON THE FREAKING BUS!!!!!!!!!! So he listens to me, still aint read page 2 , and gets on the bus. He is asking me all kinds of questions and I am trying to put the carry ons over head. Then the tour direction starts talking about the 10 day CRUISE. Man, I thought my poor booboo was gonna faint! He turned pale as a ghost.!!! Then he started telling me he could go cause he had to work on monday! I finally got the letter from him and said,. Read page 2 for crying out loud!!!!
He finally calmed down and everyone on the bus had a good laugh outa him. We get to the motel in fla for the nite before we get on the ship and poor booboo , he opens his suitcase an starts closing it back saying" this is someone else's stuff" I am dying laughing at him and finally get him to understand that I had bought all new stuff for him. If anyone knows my booboo, they know all his shorts are either cut off jeans or they have holes from fishing lures in them. THe case was full of new shorts and shirts for booboo.
The first day on the cruise was great. we were lost for the whole day! NO ONE who works on a cruise line is from the u.s. so they all have very thick accents. And as most of you know, me and booboo are full blooded redneck and sure sound it. so we soon found out that there wasnt any need in asking for directions. we just kept wondering around until we finally found what ever we were looking for. ( mostly it was our room!!!!) The second day was our first port of call. Nassau. We really could understand everything those folks . they all sounded the same, all asking for you to buy something and following you around trying to sell you something. we went on the glass bottom boat ride and saw some realllly big fish that made booboo wanna get a fishing pole. getting back on the ship was a pain since we forgot the birth certs we were to show them. and the guy asking questions couldnt understand a word we said. thank god our tour director came by and saved us from being left in nassau!!!!
The next day was just a sea day which was lots of fun. we went to the pig out deck so many times, we started to oink!! Ate alot of stuff that we didnt have a clue what it was. Poor booboo, at breakfast, he thought he was getting biscuits and gravy. I told him that gravy looked funny and i wasnt gonna eat it. he said he didnt care what it looked like and broke up 3 big bisucit and covered it in gravy. we finally found a table and sat down to eat. His first bit, I KNEW by the look on his face, that gravy wasnt right. he began looking around for somewhere to spit it and I kept telling him to swallow it. turns out the gravy was really CREAM OF WHEAT!!! I laughed so hard my sides hurt.
but he got even with me that nite at supper. I got a huge plate of salad. was fixing to take the first bit and found something with legs on it in the salad!!!!!! I fished it out to the side of my plate and we decided it was octupus.Not in my salad !!!!!! So I got to digging around in there to see if anything else had crawled in and died and found more of them plus them little fish eggs things that I aint about to try to spell. By the time I was done fishing around in my salad, there was a ton of stuff pushed out to the side and I was left with a plate of lettuce. he laughed at me as hard as I was laughing at him that morning.,
Next day was st thomas. we went on the most scary van ride I have ever been on. Those people drive on the wrong side of the road! They all drive with one hand on the horn and their foot to the floor. The hills are steep as a cows face and we were going down at 80 mph with the driver telling us to look at stuff as it flew by. All I looked at was the backs of my eye lids as I had my eyes shut the whole time. Everybody is blowing the horn at everybody else. Pulling out in front of people, cutting in traffic, And we here in the U.S. thought we invented road rage!!! They have it down to a fine art!!!
The van finally got to were we were going and slid in the parking lot and the driver yelled OUT! So we got out, in a hurry, with most of our legs shaking so bad we could barley stand! This was megans bay. BEAUTIFUL!!! They have those huge lizards walking around like we have dogs and cats here. we walked around and looked at alot of different birds and fish and stuff, tripping over a few of those huge lizards as we made our way to the bar. By this time, I could use something to drink. So booboo got me a strawberry something or the other and fries. I was sitting at a table looking at the beautiful ocean in front of me when one of the lizards climbed up in a chair beside me and sat down. I didnt notice him until he reached over and swipped one of my fries!I had a lip lock on the straw in the strawberry something or the other or he would have drank that too!!! Finally we hear a van slide back in the parking lot and a horn blow, our signal to get in and hang on.Oh yea, I forgot to tell you, this van aint got any sides to it. its just got a top and seats and NO SEAT BELTS!!!!!!!!!! back down the curvy road, wide ass open we went . Horning blowing all the way. by the time we were back to the bottom of that hill, that strawbery something or the other was asking to be let out, one way or the other. I have never been much of a drinker and this drink was STRONG! I think it was about 2 strawberries ground up in a blender and dumped into a fifth of 120 proof everclear. Was feeling pretty good till the ride back down. why didnt I think about that when I was drinking it ?? I was to busy thinking that If I didnt drink it, that dang lizard who had moved in on us would! I was soooo glad to get back on the ship. at least it was flat! for awhile anyways. then we set sail and booboo decided itss time to go to the pigout deck again. by then, the effects of the drink and the van ride are wearing off so I decide to go too. but I sure didnt want any salad with dead stuff in it. we went to the "who knows what it is" bar and ate alot of god knows what but it didnt have legs or eyes and was pretty good. I saw that they were have a "not so newlywed game" and I talked booboo into going to watch it. They was around 700 people in there. The guy hosting this, wee jimmy, asked for the most unromantic proposal. I raised my hand along with about 50-60 others and someone came around and intereviews me. I was picked as one of the top ten. Then was narrowed down to the top 5 and made to come up on the stage. ( good lord, why did I raise my hand??) it was down to 2 and I won!!!!! what did I win?? 100,000.000?? Nope, Another cruise? nope again. I won booboo having to get up on the stage , in front of 700 people, get on one knee and propose to me again. !!!!!!!!!!!! The poor man was sweating so bad, it looked like he was standing in the shower!!! I have the dvd of it if anyone wants to see it. Its flat out funny! and boy do we sound like hicks for sure!!! when we got back to our seat, booboo held on to my hand... I thought it was so sweet until he told me he was holding my hand so I didnt enter anything else!
we met a guy in the elevator going back to the pig out deck( our favorite deck!!! 10-12 different buffets!!!YES!!!!) who started talking to us about the game and he said he was glad he could understand us. he sounded just like us!!! I ask him where he was from and he said L A. well, he didnt sound like L A to me so I said" you dont really sound like L,A," and he said "lower alabama!!
The next day was the day booboo had looked forward to the whole trip. we were going to spend 4 wonderful hrs ( his words ) at a NUDE BEACH!!!!With my job, I see naked people daily so I took me a nice good book. loll
It was the prettiest beach we went to the whole time we were there. the sand was pink and the water was soooooo clear I could see my feet when I stood in it up to my neck. ( yea, I know. I was only a little bit over 4 feet deep in the water but I could still see my feet!!)And the best part??? NO ONE was naked!!! yea, way way way on down the beach, there was people the size of fleas that looked to be naked but like I said, i see naked people daily and I sure wasnt walking a mile down the beach to see anyone naked!! Booboo kept telling me he wished I had brought his binoclers, that I forgot on purpose. ( and yea, I cant spell it and I have even a harder time saying it. if you cant figure it out, its them things you look thought that makes stuff bigger)
we had a blast at this beach. I was sitting there watching the waves when this little yorkie dog wearing a bandana came over and piled down right beside me. for some reason , he took up with me and stayed with me the whole time we were there, playing in the water with us and all. booboo said I attract dogs. ( says alot for him dont it. lol) I didnt bother to bring this to his attention)
all to soon, it was time to leave and I couldnt get that little dog in my pocketbook so I have to leave him behind. turned out, he belonged to the guy running the bar at the beach. these people love to drink! there is a bar everywhere you go!!
we got back on the ship and of course back to the pig deck and booboo was thrilled to find a cornbread muffin. a pot of gold wouldnt have been better in his eyes, until he bit into it. it had coconut pudding in the middle!!!! lord if I had a picture of his face when he bit into it, !!!!! It was great, back to the look of "where do I spit this?" lol we had a few more days at sea and out last day was the roughest. I woke up at 4 am and thought we were home in our free flow waterbed and booboo was jumping up and down! I got up and bounced off the walls to the bathroom where I found my upper teeth floating back and forth in the glass they were suppose to be sleeping in. I sat and missed the toliet the first try. Had better luck the second time. I considered using the shower since it had a had a door that I could shut and not fall out of. After sitting down on the john, I watched as our towels that were hanging on the rack, floated out from the wall and back. I started to wish there was seat belts on the toilet!! After finishing, was trying to wash my hands and found that the water leaned too!!! Back to bed and the longer I laid there, the worse I felt. That strawberry something or other didnt make me as sick as the up and down hills we were riding on in the ocean! Day light finally came and boo wanted to go eat. Of course! Its day light!!!! lets eat!!!
The elevators were closed due to the rough seas and we went up the steps , with other folks who were having as much problems as we were. Up 3 down 2. Took forever to go up 6 flights of steps. I think we walked more that am , trying to get to the pig out deck , than we did the whole time we were on the ship! But alot of the walking we did was back tracking. fianlly we arrived at the pig out deck to be greeted by alot of green people. folks we had met at the first of the cruise had taken on a horrible grey/green color! No lines at the buffet bar this am!!! Didnt stop booboo! headed right over and got him a nice big plate of scrambles eggs and bacon which slid off the plate on the way to the table. I tried to get to the table with a boiled egg on the plate and it rolled off and under someones table and was prompty stepped on. The yellow of the egg appeared to be as green as the person who stepped on it. I gave up and just got a peice of toast that I carried in my hand. after a few trips , booboo finally got to the table with all his food on his plate. as he sat the plate down, the ship leaned and there went his plate. He made a dive for it and caught it before it slid right off the table. good thing he likes his food mixed together cause you couldnt tell what was what after that! all day long, no lines at the buffet bar, no lines at the bars either. everyone was walking around wearing the same thing, sea sick patches. the directions on my box said to put one behind each ear. I saw people who were more patches than skin!! 20 or so patches on one person and they were still green!!!!!!That nite was the famous chocolate bar. thank god the sea had calmed down cause I had been waiting for this !!! chocolate covered everything!!!! My favorite was the melting chocolate fountain. lots of stuff to dip in the melting milk chocolate! I grabbed some nanners on a stick and tried my luck with dipping. not to good.two times got the stick back with no nanner . some guy behind me in line yelled" grab it with your fingers lady, your holding up the line!!! I gave up and got the strawberries and dipped them. they were great! then the melting lava cake. good lord this is the best stuff I have ever ate! three peices later, i was sick as a dog. wayyyyy to much of a good thing!!!!!
That was the shorted 10 days of my life and it was the best. I had booboo all to my self, no fishing buddies calling wanting to go fishing, no one coming over to get booboo to fix something. just me and booboo and 5,000 other people and it was wonderful. even if we were nicknamed the beverly hillbilles by the people on the ship.!

Ex Husbands

2008-04-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

Seems like everyone has one now adays. But I got the worlds dumbest ex . If they gave a award for being stupid, he would win it yrs in rows. First off, I am redneck. Totally REDNECK . Now what was I thinking when I agreed to marry someone from upstate NEW YORK??? Guess you can put it off on being young and DUMB. Anyways, I married a Male from New York when I was 18. I say male cause he had all the right equipment to be male but sure wasnt a MAN. he stopped woring the day we married. I was going to college and working at the same time. He was " teaching martial arts" I found out that was another word for servicing the neighbor ladies.
I went to college early in the am and then went from school to work where I worked until 11:30 every nite. Got home around 12:30 am. This he was sooo sooo sure of that he had the balls( thats about all he was blesses with ) to invite the lady he was servicing into our bed.
I happend to get off work early one nite and came home. This was something I NEVER did. So it was a surprise to all 3 of us when I got home and found them bumping uglies in MY BED!!!!They were soo " into it" that they didnt notice when I came waltzing into the bedroom and got all of her cloths and took them back into the living room and threw them into the woodstove that happened to have a nice roaring fire in it. I then strolled back into the bedroom , where they didnt appear to have missed a beat, and got my little gun that I had bought a few yrs earlier. I loaded it and then said" Hey! Guess whos home" Man that was great. The bumping stopped about as fast as they were bumping.!!! Then my ex said the famous words" It aint what you think!!" yea right. Ray charles and stevie wonder both could have figured that out!
she piled outa the bed , wearing her socks. ( thats something I have yet to figure out. Why did she have on her socks?? There was a nice roaring fire going, really going since I added her cloths to it) she began looking for her cloths that were now up in a puff of smoke. She started telling me she couldnt leave naked and I basially pointed my cute little gun at her and said" well, the undertaker wont have to undress you now will he". Out the door she went like her a%% was on fire and her tail was catching. Now let me tell you about where I lived at the time. It was on a major highway that was the main road out of a small town with a HUGE well known trucking company. Those big old semi's was flying past my house 24/7. I did hear a air horn blowing as I was on the phone calling her husband to tell him to get up and let her in. He was very concerned as to why she was over there that late at nite. I told him to not worry, she would explain EVERYTHING. That is one story I would have loved to hear. " well honey, since you were sleeping so soundly, I figured instead of waking you up and all, i would just go jump the neighbors hubby, you know, cause you have to get up early for work and all"
Next came the ex. He didnt think I would throw him out. ( Told you earlier in this post that he was dumb) He started with the begging and whinning. Didnt work. So he tried to "bully" me. DUH!!!!who had the gun???? So he finally gave up and left.
I filed for divorce and finally got it. But that idiot sent me flowers and candy for 10-12 yrs after we were divorced, i had remarried and he was on one of his many many wives.
Told you he was dumb at the first of this didnt I ? Now do you believe me????

Neighborhood watch

2008-04-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

We never really needed a watch here where I live. We had Grannie Vanhoey. She was the little lady who lived across the road from us who watched over us like we were her only given child. I worked second shift for a long time and was home alone during the day. She would call me every time that the vaccum cleaner man came or someone was coming around selling something. She would call me as soon as they left her house cause she knew they were coming here. Usually she was right. I talked with her on the phone daily.She knew my father in law lived in the mts and had cancer and booboo was going to spend the weekend with his dad alot. She also knew that on the weekends that I had to work, our daughter, who was around 2 at this time, would spend the weekend with my mom. So I was home alone and she worried about me coming home at 1 am alone.
One very very hot summers nite, I came home around 1 am. Joanna was at moms and booboo was at his dads. I was all alone. I got home and there had been a thunderstorm and the power was out. I came into a very dark house that was hotter than 7 ^%$#'s. Joanna had a kiddie pool in our car port and it was sooo nice and cool I decided to get naked and crawl in the kiddie pool. We have 5 acres of front yard so I knew no one could see me from the road. So... Off went the cloths and I went right on out to the carport and crawled into the nice cool kiddie pool. I guess I laid there probably 10-15 minutes when the power came back on. There is a flood nite lite behind our house that came on. I still wasnt worried cause like I said. we have 5 acres of yard. No one could see me. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! Sometime right after the power came on, grannie had to pee so she got outa bed and went to pee. On the way back to bed, she looked out her window to see if I was home from work yet and saw someone moving around in the carport. ( wonder who that someone was??? hint hint: a short fat NAKED woman getting into a kiddie pool) Sooo. being the good watcher she was, She called 911 and reported that someone was messing around n our carport. Meanwhile, I am happily laying my fat naked self in the nice cool kiddie pool. it wasnt long till I noticed car lights coming down our drive. I thought that booboo had decided to come home instead of staying the nite with his dad. WRONG AGAIN! Up drives a COP!!!!I am now trying to hide myself in a 2 ft deep kiddie pool cause remember, I am NAKED!!! As the cop pulls down our drive, this headlights are shinning on someone trying to hide in a kiddie pool. He gets outa his car and starts toward me. Then he giggles a little bit as He seems me trying to cover what I could in the pool with my arms. ( This was one time i was very very glad to be flat chested!) Anyways, here he comes, walking and sniggleing up to the side of the pool and guess what he said!!' EVENING LADY. DO YOU HAVE ANY I.D???? Yea right, just were am I gonna have it at??? sure wasnt in my cleavage cause I dont have any of that either! I told him I own this house and he was still giggling a little bit , really trying hard to not bust out laughing. I told him I had a towel in side the door and he so kindly offered to go get it. I informed him that the little dog who was sitting at the door rasing *&^% wasnt gonna agree to that. I kindly asked him to get in his car and back back outa the drive and I would go get the drivers licenses he so wanted to see. He agreed and started back and got in his car. I heard him bust out laughing as he shut the door. He backed outa the drive and I made the mad naked dash to the door and ran inside and grabbed my robe. As I was coming back up the hall, the phone was ringing and the machine picked up. I heard sweet little grannie telling me that she had seen someone in the carport and had called the cops. I went back out with my drivers licenses and by this time, there was tears rolling down the cops cheeks and he was on his radio probably telling God and everyone else that he just caught a fat naked woman laying in her own kiddie pool at 1:30 am. He kindly walked back down to the door to see my licenses, wiping his eyes all the way. He told me thank you and to have a good evening and got back in the car. I watched him laughing out the drive. At least I gave a probably very bored cop a wonderful laugh.
Grannie is gone now and I sure miss her early warnings about door to door sellsmen. I have never even stuck my little toe outa the house naked since.

Merle fest , 2008

2008-04-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

I won tickets to Merl Fest from the radio!!!! They were 50.00 a day and I am way to cheap to pay that much to sit with 100,000 old hippies in the hot sun and listen to blue grass music. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE bluegrass. Just ask anyone who knows me pretty well. Anyways, I won the tickets and me and boo went today. Stopped at the store and bought some poncho's, just in case it decided to rain but it was a very bright sunny day. gave boo the poncho's to put in our back pack and off we went. The festival is in wilksboro which is about 2 hrs from here. we got there and followed the signs to the parking lot which was actually a parking feild. found a nice spot and parked old betty lou and got our chairs outa her trunk. we walked about a half mile , lugging the cooler, the chairs, the back pack to get on a school bus to take us to the festival. there was about 200 people on this bus!!!! sitting, standing, standing on folks that was sitting. the bus dropped us off at the gate, thank god. lol. went in and walked around, listening to various artist and finally found a place to put our chairs dont not on top of someone else. we ate a little bit of chicken on a stick that had been cooked day before yesterday and then it happened. in the distance, i heard thunder. thought it would blow over. wasnt nothing to worry about.. a few more bits of overcooked chicken and I KNEW it was something to worry about. we grabbed our stuff and made a mad dash to the security guards tent. it was a tarp held up by 4 metal poles. not the best place to be in a horrible thunder and lightening storm but our other choice was the porta toliet and I think someone had beat us in there. We hunckered down under our little tent and boo and the guard began a wonderful little chat about fishing while I stood and shivered. the wind was blowing sooo hard it was blowing the rain in under our little fort. the rain was coming down so hard that it was beating the mud off the ground up on my legs.. I finally remembered the ponchos. !!!! " Hey Boo, dig the poncho's outa the back back!" ( boo) HUNNNNNNN. I forgot to put them in there. they are back in the car" ( ME) &^%$## )(*&*( KILL YOU!!!!!"
secuirty guard about died laughing. I really didnt seen the humor in it but I guess if you were the guard who was standing looking at a very short drowned woman in short overalls and covered in mud who was wipping the rainthat was dripping outa her hair outa her face, maybe it would have been funny. But from my stand point, it sucked!
By the time it finally stopped raining, I had chill bumps on my chill bumps and if I had to listen to one more fishing story, i was gonna teach the guard to swim in the creek that was running long behind us.
we proceeded to go out to find our place in the mud to sink our chairs in and listen to some more music. got a nice little place with lots of wet empty chairs around us. the chairs behind us has a huge blue tarp over them so they were dry. we sat there listening and shivering for about 30 min. when boo decided it was time to get one of those greasy hot dogs he had been drooling over. Off he went in the prusuit of heart burn while I was thanking the good lord for the sun that had came back out. I was just getting over the shivers and drying out some when the idiots with the blue tarp returned and decided to shake the water ( at least a few inches) off their tarp and sit in their nice dry chairs. guess where they shook it. yep. I was soaked again. they were very snobby and didnt seem to appricate the go to *&^% looks they got from me and the folks beside me that they showered with their stupid tarp. sooo. boo gets back with his oval heartburn on a bun and says" what happened? Your dripping again? " He scarfed down his dog and then decided we would have a funnel cake. I am dry again by this time , thanks to the good Lord again and he comes back with something so big we needed to rent people to help eat it! After about 6 bits of this 50 lb bag of sugar on a plate, I was sick as a dog. No more for me! Boo ate about half of it and we dumped it. we were settled down now for the music. Me crocheting and boo listening and women watching . We got to see doc watson and a few others that I dont have a clue who they were but they were very good. then it happened. RAIN RAIN RAIN! that was it . I had had all the fun I could stand in one day so we packed up and started our nice long walk in the mud back to the bus stop to get crammed in the bus with now sweaty wet soggy 200 people to go back and be sit out a mile from our cars that are parked in now the mudbowl.
My shoes was doing the squishy squishy stuff and I HATE HATE HATE that!!!!!
But you know what??? I would go back in a heart beat cause I had a blast!!!!!!! I lvoe blue grass and I love old hippies and this was the place for both at the same time!

My frugal little life.

2008-04-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

My name is Joy but no one has called me that is such a long time, i sometimes forget to answer to it.Everyone who knows me calls me Jo. I am very very happily married for almost 25 yrs. We have a wonderful daughter who lives in asheville and goes to college. We have around 5 acres of land that we call home. We are nicknamed the Waltons in the neighborhood cause we have a wood stove that I cook on and we heat with it in the winter months. We grow a graden each yr and I can or freeze alot of the veggies plus we donate to the food bank and to my clients who would not otherwise be able to get fresh veggies. I hang out cloths to dry yr round, not cause I HAVE to , cause I WANT to. I enjoy the feel of cloths off the line. Plus it saves a lot of eletricity.
I am the "coupon nut" around here. We have what my family has nicknamed " little walmart" It is basically a huge pantry with a very large stockpile of canned goods, condinments, sodas, snacks and everything that we eat. I buy it when its on sale and I have a coupon for it and stock the pantry so when we need something, we dont have to drive to the store to get it. Its in the pantry! This pantry has helped alot of my clients that I have found to be struggleing to buy groceries and pay their oil bills or the meds. The last trip to the triple coupons at lowes grocery store, I got 354.00 worth of groceries and when I gave them my coupons and rewards card, I ended up paying 18.34 for them. I actually ended up with them OWEING me 2.16 once. I ALWAYS have my coupons with me. Recently there was a coupon for .90 cents off dukes mayo. Now if you are from the south, you know how good that stuff is and how expensive it is! Lowes had the pints on sale for 1.69. Lowes will double any coupon up to .99 so that .90 cent coupon became 1.80. I was paid .11 cents for each jar of mayo that I had a coupon for. Sure makes you feel good to beat the stores at their own game!